Suicide Prevention: I can’t keep living under the covers of my bed

Each year for Suicide Prevention Month we try to share a little bit of what we learn and witness from young people. Our hearts are with the individuals who struggle through each day and the parents, sisters, brothers, friends and supports who walk beside them.

With eyes closed, I set myself free of reality
But. Night terrors haunt me.
Vivid and real,
I wish my sleep was surreal.
And how does someone dream with their eyes wide open
When the success of those dreams are always stolen?
It’s sad to say,
But I don’t want to be alive today.
I can’t keep living under the covers of my bed.
But what else can I do when I spend every waking moment wishing I were dead?!

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When I was young I used to be even more stubborn than I am today, I wouldn’t listen to anyone who claimed I should listen to them, aka parents, counsellors etc. I was a very depressed kid and never cared about anyone, or anything, especially myself. At first I was so stubborn I refused to change anything for the positive because I was so deep in a black hole of depression that I didn’t even want to be happy…

Then one day I decided I’d try something new, I had a thought that maybe I will try taking just one piece of advice my counsellor gave me and see if it works out. She told me: When you say bad things to yourself, you are convincing your brain of those things. If you say nice things to yourself, even if you don’t believe them, eventually you will start to believe. She told me that instead of telling myself out loud “UGHHHH I’m so stupid!!!” when I do something dumb, try and say “Oops, that’s ok :)” and remember that I am not dumb, and I just made a mistake, like any other human. (Even tho at the time I hated everything about myself, didn’t even consider myself human, and never believed anything along the lines of, “I’m not dumb”)

As stubborn as I was and as much as I HATED the fact that I was allowing myself to take some one else’s advice, eventually it started to work. Within a year (among other changes I made as well) I was grateful for the ground I walked on, the air I was breathing, the sun shining. My smile. My laugh. My family. I was able to recognize the millions of good things about myself and my life, and shrug off the bad (for the most part :P)

I never imagined I could possibly see anything in my life as positive, especially considering at first I barely even changed anything in my life, I just changed the way I was thinking… after I managed to turn my dark world of thoughts into shining pride, I began to want the positive changes, and as long as I held onto that thought pattern things managed to fall into place on their own. And it all started by saying one thing to myself, “you’re awesome.”

– Participants

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