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I wrote this thinking.. – The Doorway

I wrote this thinking..

You see, when I wrote this, I was thinking of my boyfriend who recently committed suicide. His brother found him. He died on arrival at the hospital. He had a hell of a rough time for the past 3 years, his wife left him. He was a very sick man (meaning depressed). He had no will to live, he had a very strong belief that everyone and everything was out to get him. Even when things went well or something good happened to him he did not know how to believe that the bubble was not going to burst. He has two girls who worshipped the ground that he walked on. And I believe that he was the best father I’ve ever known. He is the reasoning behind my story, in that he was always wanting to see what was on the other side of the fence. He was never happy with the here and now, always wanting to see if the grass was greener on the other side. He did not trust anybody. He got sick mentally and he thought he was never going to be whole again. Trying so hard to get to a safe place in life where he was in control, he felt he was losing the battle before it even started. He tried to get to the other side of the fence, but the side that he was on was holding him back. He needed strength from someone or something and he did not have the tools to survive. He did not know how to pull himself up and out of the hole that he was in. His past never left him alone, and he could not forget it. Much like myself and the street. I don’t believe there has ever been a day in my life since I got off the street almost 12 years ago, that I am not constantly reminded of who I am and that I will not ever truly belong to the other side. My past will always be with me and I will never be able to forget it. I would love to get a head start on the race and never look back, but problems seem to be constantly be waiting for me. For the first time in my life, I am thankful for daily remembrance, in that it keeps me strong, it doesn’t matter what your past is like, especially if you’ve been on the street. Liam was the first boyfriend I’ve ever had that wasn’t street. Our relationship was a strong one because we had both sides working together, we neither could live nor die. Liam got tired, depressed of living, and I got depressed of dying. He was my best friend, my worst enemy, he was always something that life was too full of grasp, life took a lesson from Liam. I wonder now what life is like for Liam, and if he knows what death is like for me. He showed me how to live when I almost ran out of steam. He was a daddy, brother, would have been my husband. Liam was strong because of his weaknesses. There has been no one that I’ve known that was like Liam and no one that I will ever know will be like him. He is one in a million. He loved AC/DC and I would not be surprised at all to know that he is singing Highway to Hell in heaven.

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